I know there are people who will read this and think it hilarious to go ahead and do what I’m going to humbly request y’all not do. I suggest if you find you fall into this category, you should go kick a puppy or something instead, as you’ll find it just as fun and less risky to your health.

I’ve never liked April Fool’s traditions. I don’t relish playing pranks of that sort, and am easily irritated when others’ pranks interfere with my regular obligations (which don’t go away, even if the standard rules of conduct are perceived to). Usually I grin and bear it, even though my sense of humo(u)r has slowly atrophied into a shriveled, bitter prune as a result of my postgrad experience and I really don’t think it’s funny but will go ahead and let people laugh at my (or others’) expense.

This is not the case this year.

If I happen to be in the path of a prank meant for the general public, I will show leniency. If anyone had anything silly planned specifically for me, I’m issuing warning now. It’s not funny, and I will hurt someone. Keep walking. Nothing to see here.

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